loss

All posts tagged loss

Forgiving God: Curse God and Die!

Posted by James Jones on February 4, 2013
Posted in: Church, Encouragement, Instruction, Spiritual Examination and Focus. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . Leave a Comment

***I am using the word forgiving in this way: letting go of resentment or negative feelings or bitterness toward another.***

forgive-club.gif

It is easy to praise God when things are sweet and rosy.

How many of us have the view of God that He is good only if everything is smooth and easy? Is God only good when we have the explanation for why things do not work out the way we want? Is God only good if we understand why we have suffered and hurt? And, that goodness is still all dependent if we agree that those reasons are acceptable?

Is God good when we just don’t understand the bad? Has God changed character when we cannot make sense of horrific tragedy like: the concentration camps of the Holocaust; the genocide in Uganda; the oppression and torture in the Congo; children trafficked, abused and used as drug mules along the U.S./Mexico border; and the everyday suffering victims of abuse, addicts and the homeless endure? Is it the fact that God has changed, or we have lived an unspoken lie about the character of God?

Job’s wife had it all for a long time. She was blessed with material wealth, a godly husband, and 10 children. Based on Satan’s charges to God about Job (Job 1:9-11), it is implied that her life was pretty stress free from any major problems. There is no indication that she resented Job praising God when things were good.

Sadly, life went south for Job’s wife. She lost all her children and material riches in one day (1:13-19)! Afterwards, she looked on as her husband as he was plagued by a skin condition that could be described as nothing less than disgusting (2:4-8). Her pain from loss and suffering drove her to speak the unthinkable to Job: “Are you still holding on to your integrity? CURSE GOD AND DIE (2:9)!”

For Job’s wife, holding onto the idea of God being good was ridiculous in light of what they lost. God being good was acceptable to believe as long as things were, in her mind, good. How many of us have ever felt that way or at least tempted to think that way? How many of us have been taught about the goodness of God that does not factor in pain and suffering?

Harboring resentment and hate towards God can happen when we consider God is good only based on conditions being good, healthy, and easy. In order to forgive God, we must reframe how we judge God as good. What are the criteria?

Have you ever felt like Job’s wife, even close to it?

If so, how much of it was influenced by your expectations of God?

Why Did My Brother Have to Die?

Posted by James Jones on May 8, 2012
Posted in: Encouragement. Tagged: , , , . 5 comments

This post is not for sympathy. Next month will be 30 years since it took place. I have found peace with it all after wrestling with countless thoughts and questions about it. Here I will briefly share what I remember happening, SOME of the questions I had and why I am at peace. 

He taught me how to climb the kitchen counters to get our cereal in the morning. He helped me learn how to eat while sitting on the dining room carpet without spilling my milk. He even helped me figure out how to successfully throw goose eggs across the barn without getting bit.

The last thing I remember my brother, Larry, doing for me was pulling my wagon behind his bike. It may have only been for a minute, maybe more, but I know I had fun. I was mad when he undid the rope connecting my wagon to his bike. Larry was allowed to ride across the highway to take care of his calf. I wasn’t allowed to go, and I was pretty perturbed as I watched big brother go do what only he could.

Then IT happened.

The car flew by, and I didn’t see Larry anymore. I didn’t hear anything, and I didn’t run to get help. I was four years old.  I do remember going from angry to scared instantly. For some reason, I had the feeling I was in trouble. I walked into the house and went into my mother’s bedroom and watched her while she napped. I didn’t wake her. I just watched until I heard knocking at the door. The next thing I remember was Dad throwing me into the truck as we raced to the road.

Dad cradled Little Larry, asking him repeatedly if he could hear him. I saw that Larry was very still, very quiet, and it was strange seeing blood run down from his left ear. I didn’t know what to make of things, and it is all a blur after that. Come to find out, Larry didn’t die in the ditch. He either passed while in the ambulance or soon after arriving at the hospital.

The have had many questions for God over the years surrounding this event:

Would my parents’ marriage have been better?

Would my mom have gone further down a self-destructive path in grief and pain, never to return?

Would my Dad have been a little happier?

At the same time, I am glad Larry didn’t see how life turned out for Mom and Dad (though, Dad did eventually clean up and things have gotten better for him ~ he rocks and is one of my heroes).

At the same time, I am glad that Larry didn’t have to see and hear the same things I did through the years that ripped my heart in two.

At the same time, I am glad Larry didn’t have to live life suffering from his muscular dystrophy.

The diagnosis was confirmed the week of his death, so Dad says. Larry had been hurting for a while, and Dad sold calves to pay medical bills. When the results were received, Dad didn’t know how he could take care of his boy. How could he afford to help his son stop hurting?

I have no clue what my parents prayed for that week. I seriously doubt the last thing they prayed for was to have his life end. I bet they prayed for everything but that.

At least my brother’s suffering ceased that week.

But, my parents’ pain catapulted. They were hurting people in a broken world, trying to fill a void that could never be filled. Oh, how I wish God could have helped them love each other again. I wish they could have enjoyed some peace at that time, but that was not the road they travelled.

I will never know why Larry had to die that day (assuming there was a greater plan at work beyond an accident). I will never know if things would have been better, or worse. I know other children are left starving to death every day, while others suffer with the pain of their diseases and treatments. I feel weird thinking that God showed his love by taking my brother from all his hurt while millions cry out in anguish.

Life can hurt, no matter how you look at it. When I think about Larry’s last day, I do take some comfort knowing at least he didn’t have to suffer anymore. I don’t know if that is why his life ended that day. If it was merely an accident, it wouldn’t change why I have peace about it today. I believe if there is a heaven and rest beyond, Larry is getting to enjoy time with my mom that he never had before. I believe my mom is finally at peace with her demons so she can relish every moment with her son.

I have been angry about my brother’s death.

I have demanded answers from God.

I blamed his death for making things worse.

Now, I just thank God my brother is at peace. That is something I can live with, and still love my God as good. I AM glad Mom and Larry have each other in a way far beyond the troubles of this life. That, my friends, is very good. I rely on that while I don’t have a clue about some of the other stuff.

All I want to do is cry…

Posted by James Jones on December 12, 2011
Posted in: Church, Encouragement. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . 2 comments

mourning, crying, sorrow

 

Loss is a universal experience. Everyone that lives long enough suffers the loss of, or separation from, someone they love, cherish and trust. Loss can leave you feeling empty, hurt and despondent. Sometimes, all you feel like doing is crying. Crying, grief, and mourning: whatever you want to call it, how you think about it will affect how you heal and move forward in life.

Jesus cried over the loss of his friend Lazarus, as well as witnessing the pain of the family left behind (John 11:32-35). Jesus was the strongest man that ever lived. Jesus had more faith than any human being in history. Jesus was God, the creator of the universe, in the flesh (John 1:14; Colossians 2:9). Jesus cried! Crying is not an inherent sign of weakness. Crying is natural, it is human. One of the most unhealthy, dehumanizing things you can do to yourself when suffering loss and grief is to keep yourself from crying.

If crying was a bad thing, and did not have its place, Jesus would not have done it. Is there a certain period of time when you should not cry over a loved one? If there is, I have not read it. I have observed that they more you feel guilty about crying, or that you should not cry anymore, than it can actually get worse. God has all the time in the world for your tears (1 Peter 5:6-7). The tears come from your cares, your burdens, your pain, your hurt. God invites you to unload your cares on him. God never gave you a deadline, so don’t make one for yourself.

What if you are not hard on yourself about crying, but you work in public, or do not want to depress everyone around you by your crying? I can understand the difficulty of wanting to unload at the mention of someone’s name, or when a memory comes up suddenly in your mind. It can make it difficult to get work done. Plus, you don’t want people walking on eggshells worried that they may say something to trigger your tears. Try some of the following things that may help during difficult times of sorrow:

  • Wake up early, or stay up a little later, and have some alone time with your memories.
  • Write down how blessed you were by your departed loved ones. Write down why you miss them. As much as it can hurt to think about, it has a tremendous way of helping the healing process.
  • As much as you acknowledge the death of your loved one(s), also acknowledge the blessedness of where they are now. For example, as much as I want my mother, brother, and step-father here for just an hour, I never want to take them away from the peace they enjoy. This practice can help create a healthy thought balance.
  • Adopt an activity in their honor. If you are alone during the holidays because the ones you used to share them with are no longer here, volunteer your time at a shelter. Give yourself to others that ache for someone’s love and attention, too.
  • Write cards, or make call to others, telling them how much they mean to you. Ask them how their life is going, and thank God for all they are doing and have in life.

These are just a few ideas that can help during the times you feel like all you want

to do is cry. Don’t feel guilty about it, just make some time for it. Do not run away from it, but embrace it as a healthy part of your healing and growth. Think about it: if you did not hurt and cry, then did you really have anything worth missing at all? Your sorrow is just evidence you had someone really good in your life. What a blessing to treasure! If you find that after time the grief and pain does not ease, have the courage to talk to a counselor or minister. They are there to listen and care for you. If they believe you need more help, they will certainly advise you where you can find it. When you feel like all you want to do is cry, it is a sign you were blessed in life. You have friends that care, and others need your love shared with them.

***What are some things that have helped you during the times of sorrow and hurt? I would love to hear about it. Feel free to e-mail me at coffeedrinkingpreacher@gmail.com or (806) 240-3087.